| Dear Jane, | | | | As I write about in Enough Is Enough!, underneath |
| My ex-husband and I divorced after sixteen years | | | | every resentment we hold is an underlying |
| of marriage. It wasn't an awful marriage but I | | | | personal regret. Deep down, doesn't your ex |
| never really loved him. He knew this although we | | | | probably really regret not loving himself enough to |
| never really talked about it. When he started to | | | | have created a loving relationship with a partner |
| drink a few years after our daughter was born, I | | | | or even with himself? |
| really felt even more distant from him. We | | | | So what can you do? Tell him that you hope that |
| divorced six years ago without much discussion, | | | | he heals the thought that he's unworthy so that |
| like distant strangers. | | | | he can have the love he deserves. Tell him that |
| Now I've met a wonderful man whom I love | | | | you hope he gets underneath his resentment to |
| deeply. It seems that my ex suddenly can't stand | | | | his real regret: that he let himself waste time |
| that I'm happy. (He heard about it from our | | | | feeling unloved and drowning his feelings in alcohol. |
| daughter; I wouldn't have rubbed his nose in it.) He | | | | Tell him that you are willing to forgive yourself for |
| started calling me telling me every few days, | | | | wasting time similarly. |
| haranguing me that it's my fault that he drank, | | | | What you can apologize for is participating in |
| that I ruined his self-esteem, and that he wasted | | | | reinforcing his limiting beliefs in any way that you |
| the best years of his life on me. I want to know | | | | did while you were married. If you were unloving |
| what I should feel guilty about. What should I | | | | in word or deed, if you ignored him, if you were |
| apologize for? | | | | less than compassionate, apologize for all of that |
| While we bring all our hopes and dreams into | | | | now. Forgive yourself for what your part was |
| marriage, we also bring all our limiting beliefs, | | | | given whatever baggage you brought to the |
| self-judgments, and fears, most of which surface | | | | relationship. Then encourage him to forgive |
| only after the routine of daily life sets in. When | | | | himself. After that, see him as a whole, deserving, |
| your ex-husband agreed to marry you knowing | | | | empowered, and healed being. This is the most |
| you didn't really love him, he unconsciously used | | | | loving and compassionate thing you can do for |
| you to reinforce a prior belief that he wasn't | | | | both of you. |
| lovable. (Perhaps you had the same unconscious | | | | Announcements |
| limiting belief or why would you have chosen | | | | Recovery from the Inside Out |
| him?) This baggage of feeling unworthy of love is | | | | Jane has been invited to New Orleans to give a |
| what drove him to drink, not you. All you | | | | workshop on November 18, 2007 for folks whose |
| provided was a mirror of a belief he already held. | | | | lives have been forever changed by Katrina. |
| That's what people do: they mirror back what we | | | | During my stay, I will keep a video diary, which I |
| already believe about ourselves. | | | | will upload to my Web site, If you live in New |
| Now, once again, he's using your current | | | | Orleans, you are invited to attend this free |
| happiness to mirror his belief that he's unworthy. | | | | workshop. My gratitude to my dear friend, Patte |
| It's not your intention to hurt him. He's hurting | | | | McDowell, for donating her air miles. |
| himself and he's the only one who can stop | | | | Also, I will be donating 120 copies of my book, |
| hurting himself by healing his thoughts about his | | | | The Blue Book of Grammar and Punctuation, |
| worthiness instead of wasting any more time | | | | Eighth Edition, to New Orleans schools. If you |
| resenting you. The most harmful thing you could | | | | know of a school needing these invaluable books, |
| do is to reinforce his unworthiness belief by taking | | | | contact me at |
| on inappropriate guilt. If you say, "You're right to | | | | Jane on TV January 10, 2008 |
| resent me. It's all my fault that you're miserable | | | | Jane will be interviewed on NBC 11's The Bay |
| and alcoholic," you are encouraging him to stay | | | | Area Today on January 10. She will be talking |
| blind to what your relationship mirrored within him. | | | | about New Year's resolutions. Expect a fresh take |
| If you don't want to reinforce the belief that he is | | | | on the subject. More details to follow. |
| a "broken cookie" who is unlovable and unworthy, | | | | NEW! Dear Jane Podcasts |
| don't apologize for his unconscious beliefs. Clearly, | | | | Listen to and download Dear Jane Podcasts at |
| that won't help him. | | | | Also available for free downloading from iTunes. |